Coping with changes to how you look

Your feelings

Many people find that they have intense feelings including depression, grief, anxiety and anger. You might feel that your doctor and specialist nurse have not prepared you for how you will look. It can feel hard to imagine that you will feel a little better as time goes on.

Your family and friends may not know what to say to you. They won't want to make you anxious or upset. You may prefer to bring up the subject and let them know how you are feeling.

There are lots of things you can try to help you cope with changes in your looks. These might not take away all the difficult emotions but can make things easier.

Self esteem

How you look is an important part of how you feel about and value yourself. This is called your self esteem. It can be very hard to accept sudden changes to the way you look. You might feel very angry, confused and upset. It might be useful to talk to someone close to you.

Going back to work, meeting new people or going to job interviews can all be difficult if you are trying to cope with changes to your appearance.

If you have children, it’s natural to worry that their friends will see you and that may affect your children. But remember people close to you will not think of you differently as a person. They will want to support you as much as they can, so let them know how you're feeling. Talking to them might make you feel more supported and less on your own.

Talk to your healthcare team before treatment

This is probably one of the most important things you can do, even if you feel at the time that you don't want to know.

If you are having surgery it can help you cope with changes to your appearance if you know exactly what they are going to do, and how you will look. You will be very sore and swollen straight after surgery but this is temporary and is not how you will look forever.

Ask as many questions as you need to. Your healthcare team will be aware of how worried you are about possible changes in your appearance. They can help you understand what to expect, and cope with any side effects or emotions you may have.

Talk to people close to you

You might get the best support from your close family and friends. But don't be surprised if they are not sure what to say to you at first. They won't want to make you feel anxious or to say anything that might upset you. It may be easier if you bring the subject up and let them know how you feel.

It can help to share your feelings. Those close to you may feel privileged that you have chosen to confide in them. If you don’t talk to them, they may worry that you are bottling it all up.

When your appearance changes, you may experience problems with your intimate and sexual relationships. Speak to your partner and let them know how you feel.

Talk to people who have had a similar experience

Some people find talking to other people who have been through something similar reassuring, but it isn't helpful for everyone. Talk to your healthcare team if you would like to do this. They might be able to put you in touch with someone who has been through a similar experience. Or they could let you know of any support groups that might be able to help. 

Cancer Chat

Cancer Research UK has an online forum called Cancer Chat. You might find it helpful to join the forum to talk to other people who have had a similar experience. 

Visit the Cancer Chat forum

Counselling

Sometimes counselling can help you to work through any worries you have. 

Find out more about counselling and how it can help you

Do things in your own time

It is important to give yourself time to adjust to changes to how you look. Some things may be more difficult to cope with than others. Thinking about what will make it easier and making plans can help you cope.

For example, you might prefer to look at the changes to how you look for the first time alone. Or you may want someone to be with you when you look for the first time in the mirror.

Going out and seeing people

There will come a time when you will need to go out. This will feel scary at first when you have changes to how you look. It might be tempting to keep putting it off. It may help to go out the first time with someone you are comfortable with.

Try to be prepared for mixed reactions. People can react unexpectedly, especially if you don't know them well. This can be upsetting. Some people will be more at ease and make you feel comfortable very quickly.

You may feel that you can't do anything about other people's reactions. But if you feel at ease, they will be more likely to feel they can talk to you or look you in the eye.

Children can be very honest and might ask direct questions. It can help to be prepared for this. 

Don't feel that you have to explain to people if you do not want to. It's your body and you don't have to tell people what has happened if you don't want to.

Use wigs, hats and scarves

You may choose to wear wigs, hats or scarves to cover hair loss. This will cover hair loss and might help you feel more confident. It is best to experiment and do what makes you feel the most comfortable.

Find out more about ways to cover your head

Using face make up

Make up can help you feel more confident and more like yourself. You can use it to define your eyes and eyebrows if you have lost them. Don’t worry if you’re not used to wearing and applying make up. It will become easier with practice.

Read about make up tips and skin care advice

Use camouflage make up

Camouflage make up can be useful to cover scars or skin grafts. There are lots of colours for all skin tones. There are some specially trained skin camouflage experts that work in the NHS. Ask your doctor or nurse if you have this in your hospital.

Some organisations can give you information about using camouflage make up. They can teach you how to apply it and tell you about the best products to buy. Some want a healthcare professional to refer you. Others allow you to refer yourself. 

Getting the make up

You can buy some camouflage make up over the pharmacy counter or direct from the supplier. Others you might be able to get on prescription from your GP, but this isn’t guaranteed. Your GP can tell you what might be available on prescription.

Getting help and support

There are people who can help and support you. Not everyone feels comfortable asking for help. Talk to someone you trust. You can ask your specialist nurse, doctor, GP, dietitian or physiotherapist for support.

Cancer Research UK nurses

Resources and support organisations

There are lots of organisations and support groups to help you cope with changes to how you look.

Look for organisations to help you cope with changes in the way you look